When I was working out last winter—I should probably start doing that again soon—I would take breaks by watching ESPN on the weight room’s small televisions, and one time, in February, ESPN ran another mindless feature about Kentucky’s basketball team and how John Calipari is the greatest coach ever and how the Wildcats were going to win the NCAA Tournament and it was all because of some silly little boogey of John Wall, who is kind of like the Jesus Christ of basketball, but better, obviously. Anyway, I was frustrated with this revelation that Duke was going to lose to Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament because of this John Wall fella, and his braggadocio of a dance only rubbed it in. I hated it, and I hated that ESPN devoted a segment to it, complete with dark lighting, sexy narration, a dancing baby or two and a proclomation that this was a trend “sweeping the nation.” Then John Calipari, in a sweatsuit and slick hair, promised they would all do the John Wall Dance if Kentucky won the national championship. (It  did not, because apparently, Calipari reports now, the Wildcats were so concerned with a hypothetical matchup with Duke in the Final Four that they “couldn’t see straight.”)

So with that, it gives me great pleasure to present this clip of Kyrie Irving—who is sort of like this year’s John Wall, but better, obviously—sort of teaching me how to Dougie, a phenomenon I fully expect ESPN to explore by March. Perhaps by then, I will have figured out how it is possible to move in this manner. Right now, I’m too perplexed to even try.